After my father died my mother asked that we wait to sprinkle the ashes so that her and dad could be “sprinkled” together. I didnt know what to do with them so his ashes are sitting in my freezer in a airtight jar. Seemed weird to leave them out…….

I work as a ticket collector at a broadway theater. Each night we funnel the large crowd of people through our ticket area to the theater into two hours of listening to the worst music ever. Its a painful job, but each time i collect a ticket i just think “you poor poor fool, you paid way too much to be entertained by dressed up idiots”

Bucky is my bulldog. He humps everything. He seems to think that my kids room, that is full of stuffed animals, is his ballin palace of love. Its like a wet dream for a dog. he struts in there and just goes to town on the Care Bears, teddys bears, and everything else furry and fluffy. I draw the line at my kids legs

One time I went to go kiss this girls boobs while we were making out and her pointy nipple went right up my nose. I pressed my finger to the other side of my nose and sucked air up and into my nose. She seemed to like it despite not realizing it was my nose and not my mouth. Poor girl. 

my friend dared me to take a crap in the snow like dogs do. I did and I warned them not to eat the black snow.

I wish barbie came with a guide. Because honestly this bitch has everything! Dream House, horses, cars, ken, hot tub, gym, camper, etc.  I want to be barbie. They should create a book called “Barbies Guide: Everything You Need to Know to Be A Life Long Success”

This is when you are up for a really awesome thing to happen and then you do/say something really stupid to wreck it. 

Our neighbor across the hall will go months without sex and then one night venture out and bring home the most heinous looking men. We call them the slump busters. even fat chicks need loving

ever ski season my husband makes me smell his gloves. We rate the stink on a scale of 1-10. 1 being a bad ski season and 10 being the ultimate. We record each season on the side of our mudroom door. This year it was a 5 cause the glove wasnt quite ripe enough

Our friend rob lost a bet recently where the price of the bet was the loser had to get a perm. Sadly rob lost. He looks like an unshaved scrotum. Best bet, but worst perm ever